


close your eyes and call me back

by eosandselene



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: M/M, Unrequited Love, things you said
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-20
Updated: 2018-10-20
Packaged: 2019-08-05 01:16:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16357850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eosandselene/pseuds/eosandselene
Summary: It's the feeling of dancing until one am, rapping until his tongue can't move anymore, singing until he feels his lungs burn. It's looking around a room and finally seeing people like him, desperate in a messy, clawing kind of way for something bigger, something better than themselves.





	close your eyes and call me back

**Author's Note:**

> i started this about a month after they debuted. with the arrival of I AM YOu i fifured enough was enough. maybe one day i'll come back to this and continue it, but for now, I think It's complete

****

  1. things you said at 1 am



 

It's late, late enough that it has long since turned dark outside. The large mirrors that cover the walls of the practice room are all fogged up. Felix's brain feels fogged up too, but his muscles remember what to do. He knows every step, every jump and kick and twist of every routine. He doesn't hear the music so much as feel it, the beat running through him from his toes up his spine to his fingertips. He knows what he's doing. It's been almost one month since debut and understands, finally, why his mother had prayed not for luck or for success, but for energy when he left to become an idol.

 

She had told him, over the kitchen table back in Australia, _this won't be easy, Felix. This won't ever be easy. There is no safety, no security in a job like that. It will take so much work_. He had believed her, but it had seemed worth it back then. It still does. He can't help it.

 

It's the feeling of dancing until one am, rapping until his tongue can't move anymore, singing until he feels his lungs burn. It's looking around a room and finally seeing people like him, desperate in a messy, clawing kind of way for something bigger, something _better_ than themselves.

 

He comes face to face with Changbin after a particularly difficult spin and thinks, not for the first time, about how difficult and dangerous things have always appealed to him.

 

 

 

  1. things I wish you’d said



 

It happens like this:

 

Felix is sitting in the dorm, alone, when Changbin storms in. He looks possessed, like everything in his life has been leading up to this very moment and he needs to do it right.

 

Felix barely has time to look up from his Korean textbook and register his arrival before his hyung is grabbing him, holding him, kissing him.

 

Between the gasps and stuttered breaths, Felix hears him say “I love you, I love you, a thousand times I love you.”

 

Between the sobs and reaching hands, Felix says the same.

 

 

 

It happens like this:

 

Changbin and Felix are sitting together, in the studio. Chan and Jeongin are on their way, running late for reasons unknown, unimportant so long as Felix gets to bask in the presence that is Seo Changbin for a little longer.

 

Changbin looks back, catches his eye, catches him staring. Neither of them dares to look away.

 

“You know," Changbin begins, his voice lowered, "that I care about you a lot,"

 

Felix's heart flutters up in his rib cage but he drags it back down again. Hope is dangerous.

 

“I know," he replies instead, but Changbin shakes his head.

 

“No Felix, not like that," he takes a deep breath, puts his hand on top of Felix's, "I love you," His voice wavers at the end.

 

Felix's mind reels, his heart sings. "Oh," he manages to choke out.

 

Changbin looks crushed and makes to withdraw his hand. Felix grabs onto it as hard as he can. He can't say the words yet, doesn't know a way to force them out of his throat, but Changbin knows. He can see it in his eyes.

 

They'll get there.

 

 

 

It happens like this:

 

There is no bang, no soft confessing. Only an arm thrown round shoulders and a hip check just this side of painful. Somewhere to the side, Jisung is laughing about yet another mistake Felix has made with his Korean.

 

“Don't worry, Hyung loves you even if you are an idiot," And then the arm is gone, and Changbin with it, off to joke with someone else.

 

_It's okay_ , he tells himself. I _t doesn't hurt. You always knew it wouldn't happen, not the way you wanted it to_. And, strangely enough, he believes himself. He's lucky to have Changbins love at all, who cares if it's not the way he wants. He'd take this unhurried and soft affection over Changbin avoiding him any day.

 

Any love from Changbin is good enough. He smiles. He loves his hyung more than enough for the both of them.

 

 

     3. things you said that made me feel like shit

 

It’s somewhere between dusk and dawn, either early or late, that not quite tangible time that exists when the sun hasn’t been up for a while, and feels like it never will be again. Felix and Jisung are lying on the sofa in the studio, bodies curled around each other protectively. No matter what trials Felix faces, he’ll always be glad to have met Jisung. They get along ina way he hadn’t thought possible before joining JYP. Maybe it’s because there’s only one day between them in age, maybe it’s because they’re both private, socially quiet people hiding behind the façade of fake extroversion. Maybe it’s because they’re soulmates.

 

Or maybe it’s just because they’re two teenage boys thrown together by chance fighting desperately for a common goal – a place in an industry big enough to swallow them up and spit them out in seconds, without anyone but them noticing.

 

At the end of the day, he supposes it doesn’t really matter. They have a bond, and neither of them want to brake it, so here they are. Curled around each other only seconds from sleep as Woojin, Seungmin and Changbin sit on the floor around them, going over song options and making quiet conversation in low voices, mindful of their supposedly sleeping teammates.

All of his hope for rest is smashed when he hears Changbin say his name.

 

“It’s good to know Felix is that clingy with everyone – I was getting worried” he says, and Felix feels his breath hitch in his throat.

 

“What do you mean?” Woojin asks carefully, and Felix prays for real sleep. He doesn’t want to know. He doesn’t, he _doesn’t._ There is no version of this conversation that doesn’t end with feelings being hurt. Probably his. God, _always_ his.

 

“He clings to me like a limpet. I was starting to think the whole crush-on-me joke wasn’t a joke after all,” Changbin laughs. Felix wants the gap between the back of the sofa and the cushions to open up and swallow him. He wants to be at the dorms in bed, somewhere he can’t hear this conversation. He wants to be back at home, in Sydney, with his parents and his sisters and his friends. He wants to be reminded of what it feels like to be loved with no restrictions, by people who don’t have a shared goal or obligation, who just care about you for being you.

 

He wants Changbin to love him back.

 

“There’s nothing wrong with boys liking other boys, Hyung,” Seungmin starts, reproachfully (And, _oh_ , Kim Seungmin is one of the best people Felix has ever met, God bless him) but Changbin cuts him off.

 

“I know! But come on – Felix? It would be so awkward if he actually liked me like that, he’s like an annoying younger brother to me. It would completely mess up our relationship. Anyway, what do you think about these lyrics?”

 

The conversation fades to something else, and the breath caught in Felix’s lungs dissipates. He pretends not to notice when Jisung pulls him closer, tighter. Neither of them needs to check to know that they were both painfully awake for that conversation.

 

He was right, though. He didn’t want to know.


End file.
